Music To My Ears - A Note to Self

On your way to visit one of your friends you like to walk a certain path. This path winds through a beautiful park where artists, philosophers, activists, and comedians congregate. All walks of life like to gather here. There is a spirit of community and diversity in the park. You begin to notice a few people are building soapboxes and giving speeches. Sometimes a few of them say things that simply irritate you; other times they spout complete nonsense. Then some angry musicians start playing controversial music.

You could just walk around the park and avoid the path, but you enjoy seeing your other friends there and you like the atmosphere most of the time. You have tried to ignore the speeches and the music, but you're fed up with having to listen to this junk. And, dang it, you shouldn't have to take a different path! You have just as much right to be here as they do. It's beginning to feel like you can't come to the park anymore without being disgusted and ticked off. No one should have to tolerate this. One day you decide to confront a particular offender or three. After all, they're too loud and they're just wrong!

And the things that tumble out of your mouth... Is your tone sarcastic? Are you being too defensive? Is your argument sour and bitter? Or is your speech laced with sweet but deadly poison instead? Are you merely offering your unique perspective? Or is your ultimate goal just to shut them up if you can't change their warped mind?

Sometimes attempting to understand while being understood seems downright threatening at its worst and difficult at best. Fear wants to turn out all the lights that aren't going down it's own path. Fear prefers to keep people from building a soapbox in the first place. Fear likes to tell people they have no business writing lyrics for the tune.

What if we could knock down all the people on soapboxes we didn't like? After a while, we would likely end up hearing mildly different versions of stuff we've heard before. Avoiding conflict is always nice though, right? We begin to wonder what's the worst that would happen if we tore down all the soapboxes? After all, they have created dangerous controversy and alienated people. They are encouraging division rather than unity. Maybe "Soapboxing" should be banned, and music should be voted upon and regulated.

Then it would be peaceful and quiet in the park. Finally you could hear the sound of your own voice! But given enough time, most things become "Old Hat," regardless of how awe-inspiring or desirous they were at one time. Sure, there's no oppression, but there's also no way to define your true allies. You've forgotten how to stand up for anything or anyone because you don't need to anymore. It seems like there are fewer and fewer people on this path that are challenging you or inspiring you. People are still talking and music is still playing, but there is nothing new or even noteworthy here.

You notice that without the angry music, you have no anthem to march to. Which is perfectly fine since it's pointless to march or wave banners for things anymore. That would be preaching to the choir. But you know that not all the music and speeches out there suit your taste and, worse yet, some people are a little "off-key." Some skip notes and others forget the words. In fact, you've always thought a couple genres and 'soapboxers' should just go away altogether because, after all, the majority detests them and only that weird minority loves them. And that one catchy hit you used to put on repeat? Does the DJ have to keep playing it every time you turn on the radio? You're over it. Sick of it, even.

Music can cause us to cry; it can cause us to dance. With or without lyrics, music amazes and moves. It is loved and hated. But music and lyrics are powerless on their own.

Words require action as a result of their influence to accomplish anything. Auditory or visual exposure to the lyrics of a song or the words of a speech is almost always optional. Implementation of the words is obviously desired and suggested by the writer or speaker but it is almost never mandatory or unavoidable.

Would you tell your daughter she shouldn't learn to play the violin, even if it's her young life's dream, because the screeching is going to hurt your ears? Would you tell an adult relative trying to learn a new language that it's insensitive and ignorant to the native culture and people to practice that language out loud until they are sure they can get the inflection and the pronunciation exact? Would you tell toddlers they are not allowed to speak until they can form words and sentences perfectly and correctly? Just think of all those adorable babbling words and silly phrases you would miss out on.

To try is to learn through action.

In art, using one color next to another can cause one of them to *pop*. Separate, you might not really notice either one. Sometimes balance and depth is achieved by contrast. You might hate yellow, but it makes the gray in a room anything but drab.

You used to think kale was gross, but then you tried so-and-so's recipe and now you can't get enough of it. You knew it's a "superfood" that's good for you, but now you know it can also be delicious if prepared in certain ways. It took several test runs and kitchen disasters to get it right, but now you can't help telling everyone who will listen, from the top of your bulk food cardboard box of kale, "You've just gotta try it!"

When "that picky friend" tells you they are never going to like kale, they're never going to try kale, and they're never going to stop thinking you're crazy for loving kale, just remind yourself that they are really missing out. Maybe they are allergic. Allergy is only determined by testing or exposure of one kind or another. Even if they aren't allergic, they could try it a million different ways and still end up hating it. That doesn't mean it's not still the green vegetable of choice for you. At least you gave it a chance.

It might be disastrous to discourage that terrible violin player. The occasional screech might be drowning out a more dreadful wail from the clarinet down the row. Someday you may find the song is severely lacking when that part, played well, is omitted. Each player, each word, and each note has value. Try to remember that often the music or speech is intended to sound different or better than the way it sounds to you. Lots of practice on everyone's part might eventually make perfect. Just please don't stop the music.

DIY & Homemade Cleaner Spray Recipes I Need to Remember!

Homemade cleaner and detergent recipes found on Pinterest, modified by me!

All Purpose Cleaning Spray:

1/4 cup Lemon Juice (I used the concentrate I use for cooking & baking)
1/2 cup White Vinegar
1 tsp. Borax
1 tsp. Super Washing Soda (Arm & Hammer)
1 tsp. Castile Soap (or dishwashing liquid)
32 oz. Spray Bottle

Add just enough HOT tap water to mix / shake / dissolve powdered ingredients, and then add cold tap water to fill your spray bottle up to the 32 oz. line.

You can also add a few drops of essential oils if you want, but I found that the lemon juice concentrate made for a wonderful lemon fresh scent! I found the original recipe which I adapted for my purposes at this link:

http://www.oursemiorganiclife.com/2011/04/diy-counter-cleaner.html

Dry Powdered Dishwasher Detergent:

1 cup Borax
1 cup Super Washing Soda (Arm & Hammer)
1 cup Lemi-Shine
1/4 cup Kosher Salt or 1/4 cup Epsom Salts

Mix well in a container large enough to dip your hand into. Throw in a cracker or something to absorb any extra moisture, since you'll likely be storing this under your sink and it WILL clump up. Throw in a scoop or measuring spoon and use as much as needed to fill your dishwasher's detergent cup.

Original link on Pinterest (Her recipe calls for 1 tbs. but I use almost twice that much):

http://www.simplydesigning.net/2011/05/hard-water-stains-dishwasher-detergent.html



And now for my all-time favorite recipe that I've been using for months! No grating, no muss, no fuss. I may never buy commercially made detergent again!

Liquid Laundry Detergent:

6 tbs. Borax
6 tbs. Super Washing Soda (Arm & Hammer)
4 tbs. Dawn Dishwashing Liquid Soap (I use the lavender Olay one)

* If you stir the powder ingredients in a bowl first to eliminate clumps, that helps a lot! * Add enough HOT tap water to your gallon-sized jug to shake / mix / dissolve all the powder ingredients. Once everything is dissolved, add enough cold tap water to fill the jug up to the 1 gallon line. I use about 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup in my HE front-loading washing machine.

As you can see, I have doubled the ingredients and added less water to make a more concentrated detergent. I went to Walmart and purchased a 1 gallon beverage container in the plastic container section in the Home department for less than $3, but you can use a clean milk jug or an old detergent container that's also been cleaned out. One of those cute beverage dispensers would be a really classy or cute and much easier option, albeit more expensive, and then you could just dispense directly into the washer or into a cup.

Original link on Pinterest:

http://www.onegoodthingbyjillee.com/2012/02/no-grate-homemade-laundry-soap.html

The Parental Phenomenon in the Midst of Those Fleeting Moments

In those all-encompassing first moments of my daughter’s life, everything changed. I would never be the same again. Life as I knew it ceased to exist. Things I’d never really contemplated became all-important. How I viewed the world evolved dramatically in very little time. Love? Redefined. I am a completely new person, and yet the employment of values and beliefs that I had always held came bubbling up in this way that made me realize everything I had ever known was building up to this moment and for its purpose.

Time has proven to me that there are many approaches to parenthood. As a rule, I believe parents do the best they can with the knowledge they have, and the choices they make are based on what they believe is right at the time. My experience, like everyone's, is completely unique. My personal reasons for deciding to become a parent may not on the surface appear to correlate; nonetheless I maintain a few basic principles: My children are not an accessory, a fix-it patch, nor a definition or extension of me as a person. Each one of them is a complete human being with a soul, free will, and future separate from me. I am witnessing and guiding, not just an adorable little bundle of joy, but someone’s future friend, employee, spouse, parent, and member of society! If I cannot view them this way as they grow in my womb, when they are presented to me on the day of their birth, or even today with these facts in mind I truly believe that I would be blind to a sheer phenomenon.

Many mothers say their children are their life and this is reasonable, since the nature of being a woman enables us alone to create and sustain the cycle of life, and most not only metaphorically but sometimes literally put their own lives at stake for their young. All sacrifices aside, it must also be expected that children will eventually live lives of their own. I believe that I was not blessed with children so that they would enhance and enrich my life, but because I am the best person for the job of shaping the beginning of another independent life! Without that goal in mind where is the fun? Potential? Opportunity? Excuse the comparison, but how many times have you heard people considering getting a pet (because puppies are just so cute), then some killjoy, albeit wise, tries to prepare them for the tried and true reality of that puppy becoming a big dog with a mind of its own and a dung pile to match? Oh yeah…

Some people romanticize the idea of having a baby, then wallow in self-pity when those precious moments begin to fly by with reckless abandon like one swift kick in the teeth after another. Time marches on, change the only constant as their eyes shine with tears, wishing that they could “freeze” their little ones in time. (Can you imagine how upsetting or even challenging that might sound to a cognizant, willful, autonomous child?) Some women lament over having to be outside the home and having to miss even one second of this glorious being’s time. Others are wracked with guilt over an incessant desire for identities and time of their own when they actually do get to stay home. Both fixate on extinguishing what they perceive as an appalling and disgraceful resentment over generally unchangeable situations – Situations that, with a tweak of perception, can be positives in their own light. Consequently, judgment gets passed around like a twisted right of passage that is accepted in our presently dysfunctional social culture. All the while tiny minds, hearts, souls, are always watching, caught in the crossfire.

Some parents, secretly or not, hope and dream of living vicariously through their children. Some sulk, focused on the past, on selves and opportunities lost. Some refuse to acknowledge their child has a future at all as if to convey that if they pretend it doesn’t exist, the clock will stand still by sheer willpower. Some don’t seem to think about consequences at all, content to live self-righteously only in the moment. Everyone is reminded either to their chagrin or validation on a regular basis with the cliché, “Enjoy every minute, it goes by so fast!”

A wise matriarch once said, “Your kids came to live with you, not the other way around! Children should be raised, not just allowed to grow up! What happened to teaching common sense, manners, morals, and modesty?” If no one tends the garden, you sow a lot of weeds, not a lot of beautiful and healthy fruit. Children are extraordinarily unique in our world, in that they are exponentially more brilliant and adaptable than they are typically given credit for. Most parents operate under the assumption that they are the best thing for their children under any circumstance, everywhere, all the time. Then you find out that your kid’s been completely potty trained at daycare for months and you’re still on diaper duty at home. When you notice that your little angel eats veggies like a champ at grandma’s house, do you sheepishly concede to a worthy adversary, or step up your game?

You’ve heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I couldn’t agree more, although some villages admittedly leave something to be desired. In my experience, I must credit structured, educational childcare not only with my sanity, but more importantly with my children’s overall well-being. I don’t mean to shock or offend anyone, but as a mother I cannot do this alone. I am not enough. I am not an island. I am supremely fortunate to be married to a charismatic, capable, intelligent man that I firmly and proudly know does not and would not miss a beat as a parent in my absence, even if he doesn’t do things the way I think they should always be done. I know this is not the case for everyone, and I know how lucky I am. Contrary to popular belief, women do not always have some innate ability or magical “baby” instinct. We might have a level of empathy that men may not, but everyone has to go through the exact same mental checklist when meltdowns occur. All babies and children have the same basic needs, but surprise! New moms don’t always know what to do either! As good parents we have the will and resolve to fix the problem, to the ends of the earth if need be.

It is tough to exercise, and believe me it is exercise, consistence with the foundations that you lay down in your home. To spank or not to spank, time outs, peaceful parenting and “Ferberizing” – You discover nothing works unless you stick to the plan, without fail. One exception, one sick day, and you’re even further behind than when you started. Everyone makes mistakes. Period. We have all had lack of sleep, inadequate nutrition, and a disconnect from our usual sounding boards working against us. But even if you’re incapable of steady discipline in your own life, do it with them, for them. They are the light of your life, right?

This is not about control or punishment. This is about teaching your children not only what you expect of them, but what society and this world we all have to live in will expect of them! This is not about using fear factors to steer your children from danger or that free pass we all have as the adult in the household to be angry and thoughtless whenever the mood strikes. This is also not an invitation to allow your child to believe that raw emotions and real dangers don’t exist within or outside your home. If you are one of those rare people who have zen-like patience with an endless supply of tolerance, or that unconditional-love-conquers-all attitude, can you honestly look anyone (your children?) in the eye and say with conviction that the rest of the world will always treat them with the same discretion?

Has anyone ever really confirmed that allowing your children to make mistakes without fear of retribution makes them feel more loved and cared about? As human beings our instincts cause us to test limits, seeming relentless and self-destructive but weeding out the ones who won't say, “I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself. I can’t allow you to go down this path.” Sometimes we are acutely unaware that we are searching for those people who are not afraid of us or what we might do if they give us the bitter and hard-to-swallow pill of truth. We seek unwavering protection in a vast sea of unpredictable outcomes and uncertainty. Don’t we all hope that by being held accountable in a situation that others will be as well?

It is not our job as parents to run ahead of our children clearing obstacles, nor is it our job to push them in the direction we want them to go from behind. It is our job to prepare our children to live a morally responsible life in a secular world. It is our obligation to prepare them to make conscious, independent decisions for those inevitable times when we will not be there. It is our job to prepare our children for the harsh realities of life, not to hide them from the truth. It is not our job to walk beside them and be their friend, it is our honorable duty to walk beside them as flesh and blood united in a mission to be the best individuals we can be.

I revel in the only captive audience I have ever had, one that I am well aware I will only have very temporarily in my children. I stumble all the time, getting lost in those moments that add up to everyday life, each of which is a learning event in their life that they soak up like the sponges they are. What am I teaching my children? What is their behavior a result of?

Many people pride themselves on their ability to keep their cool under fire, but I have to admit that I am okay with my mistakes and irreverences. Of course I feel guilt and shame and I agonize over my inexplicable ability to fall into the same pitfalls over and over! Forgiveness, patience, and chocolate are things I will probably always struggle with. But in all relationships, if I can’t show my children how to fight fair, can I ever expect them to fight and win? Or lose gracefully? Or even to know the difference? As Pinocchio said, “What is conscience?” Where does it come from? Do we as parents have the ability to give a definitive answer in every situation, in a way that our children can understand and make use of?

My children are still so young that I can only pray that they will always be as conscientious, open-minded, loving, and good-hearted as I see them now. I hope to trust my children’s ability to choose carefully. I desire to be as accepting of all the “significant other” people in my children’s lives as I hope significant others will be of my children. I love my babies more than anything else, and yet I acknowledge the fact that they are far from perfect, as am I. It is not my responsibility to prove to them that I am an infallible beacon of good examples.

My task is to prove to them that I am just like them and everyone else. I have flaws… vices… emotions… and yet I am still worthy of love… respect… second chances… and faith that I can overcome impossible odds. If I don’t live it and believe it, how can I expect and enable them to trust that they are worthy of the same grace? When they stumble, do they feel safe in me the way I want to feel safe in others? Every so often, the answer peeks out from behind a seemingly innocuous circumstance, and I am affirmed. I return the favor. I recognize that certain things happen to me because I am learning just like everyone else, and whether I succeeded or failed at the time is irrelevant; it is all about what I do with it in their eyes. This is the phenomenon called parenthood. The chicken and the egg have nothing on this ultimate question, who changes whom?