Time has proven to me that there are many approaches to parenthood. As a rule, I believe parents do the best they can with the knowledge they have, and the choices they make are based on what they believe is right at the time. My experience, like everyone's, is completely unique. My personal reasons for deciding to become a parent may not on the surface appear to correlate; nonetheless I maintain a few basic principles: My children are not an accessory, a fix-it patch, nor a definition or extension of me as a person. Each one of them is a complete human being with a soul, free will, and future separate from me. I am witnessing and guiding, not just an adorable little bundle of joy, but someone’s future friend, employee, spouse, parent, and member of society! If I cannot view them this way as they grow in my womb, when they are presented to me on the day of their birth, or even today with these facts in mind I truly believe that I would be blind to a sheer phenomenon.
Many mothers say their children are their life and this is reasonable, since the nature of being a woman enables us alone to create and sustain the cycle of life, and most not only metaphorically but sometimes literally put their own lives at stake for their young. All sacrifices aside, it must also be expected that children will eventually live lives of their own. I believe that I was not blessed with children so that they would enhance and enrich my life, but because I am the best person for the job of shaping the beginning of another independent life! Without that goal in mind where is the fun? Potential?
Some people romanticize the idea of having a baby, then wallow in self-pity when those precious moments begin to fly by with reckless abandon like one swift kick in the teeth after another. Time marches on, change the only constant as their eyes shine with tears, wishing that they could “freeze” their little ones in time. (Can you imagine how upsetting or even challenging that might sound to a cognizant, willful, autonomous child?) Some women lament over having to be outside the home and having to miss even one second of this glorious being’s time. Others are wracked with guilt over an incessant desire for identities and time of their own when they actually do get to stay home. Both fixate on extinguishing what they perceive as an appalling and disgraceful resentment over generally unchangeable situations – Situations that, with a tweak of perception, can be positives in their own light. Consequently, judgment gets passed around like a twisted right of passage that is accepted in our presently dysfunctional social culture. All the while tiny minds, hearts, souls, are always watching, caught in the crossfire.
Some parents, secretly or not, hope and dream of living vicariously through their children. Some sulk, focused on the past, on selves and opportunities lost. Some refuse to acknowledge their child has a future at all as if to convey that if they pretend it doesn’t exist, the clock will stand still by sheer willpower. Some don’t seem to think about consequences at all, content to live self-righteously only in the moment. Everyone is reminded either to their chagrin or validation on a regular basis with the cliché, “Enjoy every minute, it goes by so fast!”
A wise matriarch once said, “Your kids came to live with you, not the other way around! Children should be raised, not just allowed to grow up! What happened to teaching common sense, manners, morals, and modesty?” If no one tends the garden, you sow a lot of weeds, not a lot of beautiful and healthy fruit. Children are extraordinarily unique in our world, in that they are exponentially more brilliant and adaptable than they are typically given credit for. Most parents operate under the assumption that they are the best thing for their children under any circumstance, everywhere, all the time. Then you find out that your kid’s been completely potty trained at daycare for months and you’re still on diaper duty at home. When you notice that your little angel eats veggies like a champ at grandma’s house, do you sheepishly concede to a worthy adversary, or step up your game?
You’ve heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I couldn’t agree more, although some villages admittedly leave something to be desired. In my experience, I must credit structured, educational childcare not only with my sanity, but more importantly with my children’s overall well-being. I don’t mean to shock or offend anyone, but as a mother I cannot do this alone. I am not enough. I am not an island. I am supremely fortunate to be married to a charismatic, capable, intelligent man that I firmly and proudly know does not and would not miss a beat as a parent in my absence, even if he doesn’t do things the way I think they should always be done. I know this is not the case for everyone, and I know how lucky I am. Contrary to popular belief, women do not always have some innate ability or magical “baby” instinct. We might have a level of empathy that men may not, but everyone has to go through the exact same mental checklist when meltdowns occur. All babies and children have the same basic needs, but surprise! New moms don’t always know what to do either! As good parents we have the will and resolve to fix the problem, to the ends of the earth if need be.
It is tough to exercise, and believe me it is exercise, consistence with the foundations that you lay down in your home. To spank or not to spank, time outs, peaceful parenting and “Ferberizing” – You discover nothing works unless you stick to the plan, without fail. One exception, one sick day, and you’re even further behind than when you started. Everyone makes mistakes. Period. We have all had lack of sleep, inadequate nutrition, and a disconnect from our usual sounding boards working against us. But even if you’re incapable of steady discipline in your own life, do it with them, for them. They are the light of your life, right?
This is not about control or punishment. This is about teaching your children not only what you expect of them, but what society and this world we all have to live in will expect of them! This is not about using fear factors to steer your children from danger or that free pass we all have as the adult in the household to be angry and thoughtless whenever the mood strikes. This is also not an invitation to allow your child to believe that raw emotions and real dangers don’t exist within or outside your home. If you are one of those rare people who have zen-like patience with an endless supply of tolerance, or that unconditional-love-conquers-all attitude, can you honestly look anyone (your children?) in the eye and say with conviction that the rest of the world will always treat them with the same discretion?
Has anyone ever really confirmed that allowing your children to make mistakes without fear of retribution makes them feel more loved and cared about? As human beings our instincts cause us to test limits, seeming relentless and self-destructive but weeding out the ones who won't say, “I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself. I can’t allow you to go down this path.” Sometimes we are acutely unaware that we are searching for those people who are not afraid of us or what we might do if they give us the bitter and hard-to-swallow pill of truth. We seek unwavering protection in a vast sea of unpredictable outcomes and uncertainty. Don’t we all hope that by being held accountable in a situation that others will be as well?
It is not our job as parents to run ahead of our children clearing obstacles, nor is it our job to push them in the direction we want them to go from behind. It is our job to prepare our children to live a morally responsible life in a secular world. It is our obligation to prepare them to make conscious, independent decisions for those inevitable times when we will not be there. It is our job to prepare our children for the harsh realities of life, not to hide them from the truth. It is not our job to walk beside them and be their friend, it is our honorable duty to walk beside them as flesh and blood united in a mission to be the best individuals we can be.
I revel in the only captive audience I have ever had, one that I am well aware I will only have very temporarily in my children. I stumble all the time, getting lost in those moments that add up to everyday life, each of which is a learning event in their life that they soak up like the sponges they are. What am I teaching my children? What is their behavior a result of?
Many people pride themselves on their ability to keep their cool under fire, but I have to admit that I am okay with my mistakes and irreverences. Of course I feel guilt and shame and I agonize over my inexplicable ability to fall into the same pitfalls over and over! Forgiveness, patience, and chocolate are things I will probably always struggle with. But in all relationships, if I can’t show my children how to fight fair, can I ever expect them to fight and win? Or lose gracefully? Or even to know the difference? As Pinocchio said, “What is conscience?” Where does it come from? Do we as parents have the ability to give a definitive answer in every situation, in a way that our children can understand and make use of?
My children are still so young that I can only pray that they will always be as conscientious, open-minded, loving, and good-hearted as I see them now. I hope to trust my children’s ability to choose carefully. I desire to be as accepting of all the “significant other” people in my children’s lives as I hope significant others will be of my children. I love my babies more than anything else, and yet I acknowledge the fact that they are far from perfect, as am I. It is not my responsibility to prove to them that I am an infallible beacon of good examples.
My task is to prove to them that I am just like them and everyone else. I have flaws… vices… emotions… and yet I am still worthy of love… respect… second chances… and faith that I can overcome impossible odds. If I don’t live it and believe it, how can I expect and enable them to trust that they are worthy of the same grace? When they stumble, do they feel safe in me the way I want to feel safe in others? Every so often, the answer peeks out from behind a seemingly innocuous circumstance, and I am affirmed. I return the favor. I recognize that certain things happen to me because I am learning just like everyone else, and whether I succeeded or failed at the time is irrelevant; it is all about what I do with it in their eyes. This is the phenomenon called parenthood. The chicken and the egg have nothing on this ultimate question, who changes whom?
WOW Stacey!!! You should just keep writing and turn this into a book! :)
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